Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
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Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.