Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
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*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
*performs CPR on the turkey*
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Oh my God.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads