Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
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professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.