Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
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If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!