if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting