me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
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My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Life hack
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Banana is the quietest snack
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me