Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
What the hell happened here.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets