When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
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What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.