There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
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THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.