My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.