Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
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Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses