My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Ape together strong
You are not alone 💚
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same