Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
You Might Also Like
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…