The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.