I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
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Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Meowchelangelo
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE