Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
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[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Brands during Pride
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero