I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
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teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?