When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
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[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked