A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
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Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
me after eating Cheetos
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination