My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
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Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Think I pulled my liver
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
dads on road-trips be like
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?