All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
You Might Also Like
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.