“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
This made me smile…
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
yall want some gasoline milk
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Autocorrect is my menesis
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.