Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
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I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
ouch
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself