If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
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I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
oh my god
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
new shirt idea
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.