Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
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[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.