[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
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When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.