Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
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My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.