5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
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Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair