If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
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[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.