Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?