FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
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very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.