If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!