I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs