*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
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Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Body by Oreos
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK