My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
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[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.