The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Comparing yourself to others
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.