Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
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Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?