Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
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[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Sounds like a bargain
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.