If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
You Might Also Like
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.