gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
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Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.