My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
You Might Also Like
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Put this video in the Louvre
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!