My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
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Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I’m not proud
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.