Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
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Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe