As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
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i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.