[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
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[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.