When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
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a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.