i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
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I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.