Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
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if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
we all know this pain all too well
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal