“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?