law suits: quality garments for lawyers
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about